The art of conversation

To quote John Gray in his infamous 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'...."So many people are frustrated in their relationships. They love their partners, but when there is tension they do not know what to do to make things better." And this is perhaps all the more obvious where communication is concerned. So when a friend sent me this email, nothing could be further from the truth *hehehe*

"Nine words women use"

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying Get Lost you Idiot!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Love knows no boundaries

Some say it's the secrecy which gives the adrenaline rush behind office romances. And there are some who reckon one can't choose who they fall in love (or maybe lust?) with.

Now it's established that companies usually discourage or ban office dating out of fear that such relationships could negatively affect productivity, create favouritism issues, and lead to sexual harrasment and lawsuits...although it's uncertain what the stance is where the civil service is concerned regarding this issue but as it's late, I'm not going to dwell too much on this..though I suppose this too could be applicable to some extent..but again, not going to ponder on this.

However not even employers can top one of the most elemental power in nature..and I have seen a number of examples where it is possible to mix romance AND work together and still come out trumps in both departments:

• Date someone who you already have a relationship with. One will have some form of trust if one has a working relationship before a date. However!! if you must date a cute chick in another department, take things slow as this will help to determine whether the both of you have some emotional maturity (emphasis on MATURITY) to handle a workplace relationship.
• Be honest. When dating people at work, you need to have similar expectations about where the relationship is going (is it a long-term relationship? or simply a fling?) and make sure either one communicate to the other from the start.
• Set boundaries. Are you going to tell anyone about the relationship? Will the both of you be discussing matters at work or work matters on a date? Most importantly, if you had fight the night before, leave it at home - your employer din't pay you to fall in love (nor fight!!) and no-one wants to know your personal issues (and that includes your petnames for each other!?!)
  
• Break up gently. You must be wondering why this is included especially if you're still at the getting-to-know-each-other stage..but let me tell you, discussing how you will handle a breakup from the beginning will make your lives easier and less stressful. Oh, and if you should break it up, don't wait till Monday, do it on a Friday!!
  

Ultimately whatever it is, should anyone choose to embark on this path, whether it be a secret affair or 'new' relationship, take the time to step back to think about it especially any pitfalls you might encounter along the way (think..nasty rumours, snickerings behind your back, accusations of favouritism..)..and when I say think, I don't mean thinking with your heart/balls. Sometimes office romances mask compatibility issues, i.e. you may make great work partners BUT terrible love partners and that's where problems will surface over time!

..so take heart people, while office romances can be exciting, be smart about it and keep your eyes open at all times.

Is honesty the best policy?

Medulla, or anybody, I need some help here... what exactly does a girl mean when she says "I'm looking for a guy who's honest blah blah blah"? How can you tell if a guy is being honest about not being a psychotic serial killer? Do we girls really need to know that Mr X has a fetish for all things pink on the first date? How far can, or should, a guy be honest with us?

Just having one of my "why-do-people-say-these-things?" moment..

Tying the knot

With Ramadhan fast approaching, we are already inundated with wedding invitations, all hoping to reach the altar before Ramadhan starts. It's not unusual to have at least three weddings in one day, heck the most we'd received for one day itself was 5!?! So one can imagine how difficult it can get when it comes to deciding which wedding to attend to. I know of some people who can hop from one wedding to another just to fulfil everyone's expectations but I can't do that. Neither can my parents.

Anyway I'm not here to discuss about ways to resolve this dilemma or why I can never do wed-hopping (if there is ever such a word). I want to talk about the old age question of why people want to get married.

A few weeks back whilst getting my manicure, I couldn't help but overhear a conversation between a customer and her stylist about marriage. Interestingly enough she was discussing about people's concept and assumption of marriage in today's world. She (rightfully?) pointed out how some people have this mistaken (or misguided?) belief that being in love with a person means getting married is the answer. So when a guy tells people the reason for marrying his girlfriend of, oh say, 2 years is that he loves her, does that mean he understands the meaning of marriage? Does it make any difference if this couple had known each other for 6 years?

Unfortunately I do not have the answer to that. BUT what I do understand is that marriage is more than being just being in love or meant for each other. Marriage is about: trust, accepting each other's shortcomings, flaws and demons especially those that never came out during the 'being-in-a-2-year-relationship' stage, understanding, respect, responsibility, give and take. Marriage also means waking up to the same person every day (and not realising one day that a mistake has been made!). And somewhere in between all that I've just mentioned is love. The love one feels for another will eventually grow into something other than the initial "I love you".

What I do know marriage isn't about is hoping one's spouse will do their reports. Nor is it about for the sake of achieving some kind of status or living the good life. If this is the case, then people should rethink about their reasons behind wanting to get married.

People often ask me when my big day will be or why I'm not married yet. I wish could tell them what I've just written but I know, they'll just dismiss my reasonings as being choosy. Yes I would like to get married one day but at the same time, I place a high value on marriage and I don't want to marry simply for the sake of getting married. As the saying goes, i'll know when it's right..

..IF only I could say the same thing for some..

The things people say - Part 2

Why is it that when someone calls you 'controlling', people are quick to assume you must be a 'bitch'?

Why is it not possible to see this in a positive light - for example, when the person you're trying to allegedly 'control' is a lazy bum who requires tutoring in their final year whereas everyone else actually make use of their brains? Does that make the person bad?

My take on this? Pettiness. Narrow-mindedness. In complete denial that maybe, just maybe, that that they themselves are 'controlling' too!

Just friends?

This probably sounds like a broken record but can a girl have a platonic/non-romantic relationship with a guy?

Some of you might immediately think of When Harry Met Sally or that Ashton Kutcher/Amanda Peet flick-which-I-can't-recall-at-the-moment and think "(b)ut they still ended up together, didn't they?"

True, but remember that's Hollywood, a place where fantasies (even the wildest ones) can come true. The same place where no-brainers like Paris Hilton and Posh can become A-list celebrities..but let's not go there..

I'm thinking more of the real world. Home to be exact. Why are people quick to assume that just because I'm having coffee with a single male friend, it's either we should get together, OR if we are 'already' together then the next step would be for us to get married? Try explaining to them that we are just friends and the usual reaction tend to be (a) a lengthy disapproving lecture about not getting younger, not being choosy, people's perception blah blah blah, or (b) a look of horror 'cause the idea of 'just being friends' is an alien concept or doesn't exist in their dictionary.

As backward as their way of thinking may seem - I mean most of our elders didn't have the luxury of going through the 'just being friends' stage prior to tying the knot - there is perhaps some (and I'm talking about a pinch here) grain of truth behind their reasoning. Not everyone can maintain that 'just being friends' concept and it usually ends in the end of a friendship or heartbreak i.e. unrequited love..I should know..though it didn't result in any of the above which I'd just mentioned.

So I can't blame them for being conservative but there are times when it's just pointless to explain myself to them. It'll probably reflect badly on me but I'd like to think that they'd eventually get tired of lecturing a stubborn ol' yet sexy mule and move onto the next victim...though I predict this'll only happen when pigs grow wings and start flying!

Having said all that, it's not a crime to 'just being friends' with a guy..it's got nothing to do with any commitment phobia on may part..it's more to do with knowing that I can rely/trust this person..one who can offer me the point of view from the often frustrating and confusing male state of mind. And if girl and guy are destined to be together (eventually), then so be it..who are we to argue with fate right?

p/s: That Ashton Kutcher movie is called A Lot Like Love..courtesy of Google.