Domestic violence - The facts

"What is violence - or abuse?

It is about power, and this can be about controlling a partner by either physical or emotional abuse. It is rarely a one-off event. There are also many different forms of abuse, and physical attack is only one of them. Perhaps most of us think of a black eye or broken arm, but sex can be used as a way of dominating a partner. So can ridicule. So can control of family finance. So, too, can shouting and screaming.

Does your partner accuse you of all manner of ‘crimes’? These may even be everyday events, such as looking out of the car window to look at other men or talking for too long to friends and family on the telephone! Jealousy is a formidable spur for many attacks.

Do you feel under threat of violence? Have you been on the receiving end of a violent attack? Do you have to ‘account’ for time spent away from home? Does emotional or verbal abuse play a part in your relationship?

Psychological abuse can at times be even more damaging than physical abuse. It can be something which whittles away at your self-esteem until you may even begin to believe that you are ‘stupid’, ‘useless’ or that you ‘deserve it’. Attempts at retaliating may bring further violence: tears of frustration and helplessness are ridiculed and mocked. If this is happening to you it may make it even more difficult to break away and do something about your situation. Loss of self-esteem, and being made to believe you are ‘worthless’ make it difficult to think about getting help. Does this sound familiar? You may also be on the receiving end of blackmail, for that is what it is, if you partner threatens to kill himself - or herself - if you leave. Or to harm the children.

Sometimes there is a warning that violence is imminent, and this may be triggered by alcohol or drug abuse. Other times an attack can come out of the blue.

Violence against women is only part of the problem. It is sometimes the woman who is violent towards her man. This is known as the hidden side of domestic violence. For a man to be on the receiving end of abuse is often seen as a comic situation, and sadly this adds to the reluctance men have to come forward and speak about it. But it happens all the same. The humiliation which accompanies this abuse makes it just as hard for men to break free and seek help.

The Home Office in the UK reported in their survey into domestic violence that women are more likely to be badly injured and to suffer repeated attacks than men. But domestic violence is a two-way street not be tolerated whichever way it goes. No one should live their day-to-day life in fear of another.

The question often asked is why do people stay in an abusive relationship? The most common reason is because of financial restraints or fear of losing the children. It is too easy from the outside to say ‘get out’ but often there is hope held that ‘things will get better’ or shame at saying to an outsider ‘I am being beaten’. There is sometimes a mistaken belief that love will conquer all. This usually covers up a reluctance to bring things to a head and face all the changes that a challenge might bring about.

If there are children in a relationship this brings with it added worries. All research shows that if children witness their parents’ marital discord and fighting, this will affect them deeply and their emotional well-being will be harmed. They will be scared by what they see and hear. Don’t trick yourself into believing that they do not notice, or will not be affected by it..."

Taken from familyonwards.com

For more info:

Signs to look for in a battering personality

What to do if it's happening to you